Where is the drive? Where is the motivation? Where is it that makes us decide to act? There is an idea of desire that we all can sense from within our own being. I feel it every day. I desire to be happy, to make my life what I choose it to be. I feel that desire because everytime I acknowledge it, the emptiness of unfulfillment reminds me that I have yet to make my life my own. Yes, I do have desires and wants for a salvation from my current state of life and mind--to find my happiness.
Yet, here I sit. Unhappy. Unfulfilled. The desire is there. The want remains. But where is that motivation? The drive? Is unhappiness my motivator? Should that alone be enough to push me to pursue happiness? Because it hasn't. It isn't. I need more. More to make me take charge of my life, my wants, my desires. More to push me toward happiness and fulfillment.
No, just the want of happiness is not enough. The problem that faces all of us is finding our true wants and desires. We can reach, but when you know not what you are reaching for, it becomes impossible to grab. You remain under water, swimming desperately to the light beyond the waves at top. You see it. You know it is there. You move toward it. But it remains unfocused, unclear, and unknown. Yet it is there. And in your immediate present, as you swim to break through, is the growing fear and realization that drowning is imminent. But something within you senses that as soon as you break through, you will emerge through the water, that you will be a new person. Now you will have what you truly desire. Now you find your happiness and fulfillment. Now you are born again, revitalized with a new, clearer perspective of what truly matters.
But yet, everytime I think I have reached far enough, that I have found what I need, the waves come crashing back down and again, I sense only drowning. Drowning in the fact that I cannot be happy. Truly happy. I can smile, I can laugh, I can bleed joy. But then I take one step back to see only a fleeting moment. I do not like who I have become. It is meaningless. Completely meaningless. What is happiness? How do I fill up this abyss within? My desires are worthless. My wants in vain. Do I do what is best for me and me alone? Do I focus only on those around me and hope that by making other lives better that mine, in turn, will find a sense of peace and joy? Self-proclaiming or self-sacrificing? Which is it?
It is neither.
It is ignorance. Ignorance of those around you, of those problems that have no remedy. Ignorance of who you are and who you are capable of becoming. Ignorance of anything that may make a true difference. Ignorance of desires and of wants. The only truth you need will lie in a shallow puddle of the same rain that can fill an ocean.
If this ignorance is gone, than is happiness an impossible dream?
